So on Tuesday I went to the eating disorder centre to be assessed. Never in my life have I been so verbally open about my experiences and feelings and I honestly felt numb. The man was lovely and he was very clear and patient with me when talking about what was needed. It did however make me feel like a fraud, like I wasn't meant to be there'd because I do eat, I'm of a healthy weight and I'm not your typical person with an eating disorder and that's hard. I wish I could just be thinner, more sick, more deserving of health because I don't feel like I've gone far enough with my punishment, I need to fall before I can fly and all that jazz. I need to fix myself but I worry that because I'm not at deaths door , I won't get better. My mind is killing me and I'm scared because o can't control my self loathing though let's. I want to be normal but it's starting to seem less and less likely, I just want to be okay. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live anymore fill stop- I don't deserve chances hope and a future- I can't do anything right- I need to stop or punish myself both are failing and this has become a rant. So no I'm not okay, but I can't verbalise what that even is anymore.


Sophie out, I can fix this