So on Tuesday I went to the eating disorder centre to be assessed. Never in my life have I been so verbally open about my experiences and feelings and I honestly felt numb. The man was lovely and he was very clear and patient with me when talking about what was needed. It did however make me feel like a fraud, like I wasn't meant to be there'd because I do eat, I'm of a healthy weight and I'm not your typical person with an eating disorder and that's hard. I wish I could just be thinner, more sick, more deserving of health because I don't feel like I've gone far enough with my punishment, I need to fall before I can fly and all that jazz. I need to fix myself but I worry that because I'm not at deaths door , I won't get better. My mind is killing me and I'm scared because o can't control my self loathing though let's. I want to be normal but it's starting to seem less and less likely, I just want to be okay. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live anymore fill stop- I don't deserve chances hope and a future- I can't do anything right- I need to stop or punish myself both are failing and this has become a rant. So no I'm not okay, but I can't verbalise what that even is anymore.


Sophie out, I can fix this

I'm trying, I promise

Haven't posted in a while as food wise, things have been fairly stable. Not to say that the thoughts aren't there but behaviour wise, I've been quite strong fighting them. I'm trying harder than before because being home means there's so much more at stake. If my folks find out what ha seen going on this past year I honestly don't know what they'd do. I need to try and keep on track but today the behaviours took over as my parents are no longer in the house. It scares me how quickly my mind can switch from being (all Brit unhappily comfortable with eating) to needing to remove anything consumed from my body literally asap. I really don't know who I am or what part of 'me' to trust because it's so messed up. I'm so scared that my assessment will result in the professionals dismissing me as I'm not underweight and I do eat, more commonly binge eat tbf, but I do eat. What if that's not enough? What if my corrupted mind isn't enough and my 'everything is fine' head takes over? I'm trying to write down what I want to say but it just comes out in a middle and it sounds ridiculous.

I watched 'to the bone' yesterday (although knowing this was not a good idea) it reminded me of the extreme behaviours that I used to indulge in day in day out, I've come a long way since then and I'm proud- but knowing the 'new' coping mechanisms that have arisen in the past year or two, I don't know if I'm worse or better? It's scary that I don't even know if I want to change, to get better to fight this so called 'illness' that has taken over my mind. That question and doubt is a daily struggle 'I'm not thin enough to have an eating disorder, I'm not ill enough to need help, I can do this alone, nobody need know' but I know I need to get help, I just don't know if I'll be allowed it or even deserve it.

Feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now.

Trying to stay strong.

Sophie x

Hardest fight is the one against yourself

Yesterday I went out for dinner with my closest friend. It was so lovely and relaxed, however, all I had going through my mind was you need to get this out of you... you don't need this food, you don't deserve this food, you are a failure with no control. But for the first time in a long while, I didn't give in. I wasn't wiping away my tears because I'd been crouching over a public toilet trying to gain some 'control' I kept going. I made a choice to ignore the voices and I felt horrible for it. But, I know that I am strong enough to fight through this. I may not like it and it may be the largest test I've ever given myself but I knoe I need to do this. I need to get my life back.

I'm petrified for my assessment but I'm so ready to make a fresh start and actually live my life with a genuine smile on my face.

Onwards and upwards

Sophie x

Who am I?

I read a quote today and it really rang true. It made me realise that part of me doesn't want to get better... part of me thinks that if I beat my 'demons' as suck, I will lose every last trace of my being. For so long, my mental thoughts have controlled my life and who I am to the point that I've lost my true identity. I don't know who I am anymore. I thrive on helping others but I completely forgot about finding myself. My brain told me that it was irrelevant but now I'm starting to fealise that knowing who I am is a vital step in finding something worth fighting for. Right now, I'm a burden, a stress provider and a happiness Hoover. I just want to know who I am.

Is that really too much to ask for?

Keep fighting, S x

Proud?

Today I had my last meeting of second year with my Uni Mental health adviser. I've been seeing her since October and had never stopped to think about how much things had changed. The session started as normal same questions, updated her on my life and the most recent steps I've taken & she told me that she was proud of me. I asked her why and she went into say that in my first few sessions she didn't know if I'd ever realise that I was the one who needed help. Now I'm at the stage where I'm openly asking for advice and speaking about my feelings without having a complete guilt fuelled melt down. It was at this moment where I realised that I should feel proud, although this year at uni has been very difficult to manage, I've proactively managed it and fought through.

Things like this make me realise how lucky I am to have such a support system around me of people who motivate me to never give up on myself regardless of how frequently I think that this is the case.

To say that I'm scared about my future is an understatement, but right now, I am Proud to be me. I really to believe that I can fight this and live my life with a real smile on my face.

Sorry for the late night ramble, remember that it's okay to be proud of yourself, as well as of those around you.

Love and hugs

Sophie x

Onwards and upwards...

I actually did what I've been waiting 5 long years to do, I told my GP that I think I may have an eating disorder. The lovely Support group had advised me to take a list as it's likely that I would freeze. Which as ever, I did. My GP was so caring and sympathetic. She asked me a few questions and proceeded to explain that she will be referring me to a specialist unit to be assessed. I'm so grateful for this and although I'm absolutely petrified, I know this is what I need to do!

Hopefully this is the start of freedom ✨

Hello it's me?

Hi,

I don't really intend on anybody reading this but I have been advised by some lovely people that it is a great release so I thought hey, what's the harm in trying? My name is Sophie and I am 20 years old. I have suffered with mental health conditions since the age of 15- a lovely mixture of depression, anxiety and disordered eating.

Yesterday I visited a support group for people recovering from eating disorders and although I didn't say much, I came out feeling less alone? It was such a bizzare feeling, but I'm hoping it's the start of me getting help & actually beating these illnesses.

Hopefully this is the start of something really great!

Anyway, that's short and sweet!

Will type soon!
Sophie x