Haven't posted in a while as food wise, things have been fairly stable. Not to say that the thoughts aren't there but behaviour wise, I've been quite strong fighting them. I'm trying harder than before because being home means there's so much more at stake. If my folks find out what ha seen going on this past year I honestly don't know what they'd do. I need to try and keep on track but today the behaviours took over as my parents are no longer in the house. It scares me how quickly my mind can switch from being (all Brit unhappily comfortable with eating) to needing to remove anything consumed from my body literally asap. I really don't know who I am or what part of 'me' to trust because it's so messed up. I'm so scared that my assessment will result in the professionals dismissing me as I'm not underweight and I do eat, more commonly binge eat tbf, but I do eat. What if that's not enough? What if my corrupted mind isn't enough and my 'everything is fine' head takes over? I'm trying to write down what I want to say but it just comes out in a middle and it sounds ridiculous.
I watched 'to the bone' yesterday (although knowing this was not a good idea) it reminded me of the extreme behaviours that I used to indulge in day in day out, I've come a long way since then and I'm proud- but knowing the 'new' coping mechanisms that have arisen in the past year or two, I don't know if I'm worse or better? It's scary that I don't even know if I want to change, to get better to fight this so called 'illness' that has taken over my mind. That question and doubt is a daily struggle 'I'm not thin enough to have an eating disorder, I'm not ill enough to need help, I can do this alone, nobody need know' but I know I need to get help, I just don't know if I'll be allowed it or even deserve it.
Feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now.
Trying to stay strong.
Sophie x
